Diablo Vs Buddha English Version
by Slauter
Summary: In order to make Nirvana avaiable for all Buddhans out there, Buddha must enter a computerized world and battle Diablo in an icy hell...


Translated from Swedish to English by my Daughter.

Monday, December 6.

A social studies class.

Teacher: Fredrik Andersson.

Subject:

Buddha and Buddhism.

A disturbing thought comes to life among the confused pupils.

Can Buddha be in a computer game?

Can Buddha exist in a world like Diablo's?

The curious one in the room likes the thought and makes Buddha enter a computerized world, run by Diablo.

It spawned:

**DIABLO **

**VS. **

**BUDDHA**

* * *

Buddha VS. Diablo.

Buddha, whose goal in life is to reach Nirvana, had in his long life as a monk and general life-enjoyer reached the point when he realized Nirvana could be reached, but not without certain complications.

Buddha had to infuse his inner self into a parallel world. He had to send his soul, the very thing he had always tried to get rid of, and put all his trust in it for a last battle about the entrance to Nirvana.

Buddha had to go to a temple in the middle of China, where he had to connect his body to a network of wires, in turn connected to a supercomputer, which Bill Gates' illigemate daughter, "My Gates", owned. She was named after a woman from Sweden, whom "Bill the Almighty" met during a seminar in Jukkasjärvi.

One could say she was the coldest thing in the history of Jukkasjärvi. But she inherited her father's desire for money and power, along with her mother's Swedish side, which made her think no one should think themselves important.

She combined all this with an enormous interest in computers and games. She decided to close the opening to Nirvana for all the Buddhists and it couldn't be opened unless Buddha himself fought the mighty Diablo in his own domain, Hell.

Buddha, who didn't want to live a life in misery, constantly reborn, accepted the challenge and travelled to the middle of China, where he sent his soul into a computerized dimension.

The computer world isn't quite as simple as the world we're used to. Nor was it as simple as the world Buddha the monk was used to. He followed the principle of letting all living things live and not kill anything ever. Now he had to fight not to be reborn and returned into the game. His worst fears came true. He died and was reborn on the very same spot the next second. He now had to arm himself and kill what was already dead in order to make any progress in a world created by a person born and raised in an ice hotel.

Buddha thought, like most people, that hell was a fiery place and the heat would be close to unbearable. But if you live in Jukkasjärvi you can hardly see any problems with being warm, so if you create a parallel world, hell is ice, snow, general coldness and a damn lack of clothing. If you want shoes on your feet, you'll have to kill something fuzzy.

It was a scantily clad Buddha who appeared in the parallel world, dressed in a monk's cloak and a pair of airy sandals. You didn't get any sweaty feet in them, especially when it was constantly minus 25 degrees.

Underwear was nothing the monk's were pretty much "into", you just wore a cloak and sandals, so after a short time in hell you had no impure thoughts about the opposite sex. You had no impure thoughts about anything, most of it froze to death.

Buddha's first mission in Diablo's world was to get clothes and weapons in order to progress. He had to go to a village in hell, called Nikkaloukta, and there bless fifty imps, make them go to a regular Christian church and convince them that was the religion they would stick to for the rest of their pathetic lives.

Buddha tore his hair out trying to sound convincing and make them think he was the one to lead them onto the right path. He died and was resurrected four times before he made the fifty imps gather in a small hut, which Buddha called a church. When he closed the door to the hut he thought about how life was one big suffering and Nirvana was the only thing to look forward to. As a reward for completing his first mission he got a pair of clean underwear and warm shoes. He wasn't used to accepting gifts and owning anything, but he had to put his faith aside and let the "good" old prince surface again.

His second mission was to find Diablo's evil brother Mephisto and steal his sword, which he would need when he eventually would slay Diablo. He felt he broke all laws in the Buddhan faith. He felt disgust and actually got nauseous when he thought about what he would be forced to do. He realized that Mephisto's guards weren't Tibetan monks, they were the evil students of Mephisto's school for misfit devils from an unparalleled world. Buddha had never been there.

Now he had to kill, and with his bare hands too, in a cold hell that smelled like fermented herring. Buddha simply couldn't understand how one could create such a horrid stench.

He refrained from vomiting his entrails out and slowly snuck forward. He saw the first student before himself, sitting on the ice, widdling on a chunk of ice. He noticed the student made spearheads. He squirmed forwards on the ice and slowly took one of the spearheads of ice which he used to end the student's life. He saw that the student disappeared into a hole which said "Dead End". He smiled and thought that Mephisto had a sense of humour in his greater days. It must have been those days when he called himself a "stand-up comedian", now he was just called a "sit-down grouch".

Buddha slew some students and everyone disappeared into the hole "Dead End". For everyone he slew he got a small reward like money or clothes. Sometimes he got weapons and food.

He met Mephisto on a big football field, which was coated in a soapishly slippery ice. Mephisto skated around on a pair of ice-skates, in one hand he held a beautiful, shining sword which the words "Dire Imminent Ass-Bashing Lashing Original" etched into it. The little monk knew it was the sword he was meant to slay Diablo with, because when he looked at it the first letter of every word was highlighted in red, spelling the word "Diablo".

But he knew that taking it from Mephisto wouldn't be easy. Especially since Mephisto was the only one with skates on the ice. The monk stepped out on the ice dressed in his coat, fuzzy sandals and some spearheads made from ice. He stepped out on the ice and collapsed to the ground. "Son of a bitch!" he called out in pain. He touched his behind and felt a swelling coming on. He fumbled for a spearhead and aimed for Mephisto's legs. He threw the ice with all his force and hit him right on the shinbone. It hurts getting stuff thrown at your shinbones even in hell, so Mephisto staggered. The monk took his chance and threw as many spearheads he could fit in his hand against Mephisto, who dropped the sword and hit his head in the ice. The monk ran forward, took the sword and put Mephisto out of his misery, he then took Mephisto's soul and embedded it into a chunk of ice before putting it in his backpack. Mephisto's body lay on the ice and stared up at nothing with empty eyes, which he kept doing for eternity.

The monk kept wandering and elegantly slew everything that came in his path. He took the rewards, ate the food, saved the money and used everything else.

After coming back to the game for the hundredth time, Buddha felt his soul getting heavy and his conscience felt like a sharp rock in his spine. He suffered, more than he had ever suffered before. I must be close to Nirvana, he thought.

He saw the eight roads and saw they were coming together now. Nirvana must really be close, he thought. He watched the roads, right faith, right speech, right choice, right action, right life, right thinking, right desire and above all right concentration, i.e. meditation.

Buddha could make out the point where all roads ran together and realized it was the entrance to Nirvana. Now he just had to make sure all roads were followed so he could reach Nirvana and slay Diablo. He knew Diablo would come when he stood upon the point which was the opening to Nirvana.

He went to the end of the road "right desire". There he secured the sword at the end of the road with his own life's thread. Thereafter he pulled a Bungee Jump-rope from the sword to the end of the road "right choice". He looked at the trap and knew that it was "right action" and "right thinking". He threw the Calvin Clain underwear away along with everything else he owned. "Right life". And if he now could shut up it would be "right speech". He now had "right faith". Not to steal, he knew he had stolen the sword, but he was after all there to return it to its rightful owner. Not to kill, he wouldn't, Diablo would do it himself. Living in celibacy was hardly a problem at that place and neither was not to drink alcohol, the distributors weren't really flocking around him.

Buddha sat in meditation stance above the opening to Nirvana and fell into trance.

Diablo immediately appeared to slay the new intruder, but was confused when he saw a fat little monk sitting there, unarmed and half-naked in the cold.

Diablo walked up to the monk and gave him a surprised look. He took up a rusty old sword and aimed for the neck. He chopped the head off the meditating monk, who didn't wish anything greater. For the moment Diablo put the monk's life out and his thread of life was broken, the sword came rushing against Diablo on the road "right desire" against "right choice", but got caught on its rightful owner, who unfortunately passed away. The monk lost his soul and his life and therefore had the right to enter Nirvana, which now didn't have anyone guarding it. Diablo had no right to reach Nirvana and was banished from there, back to the game, where he kills every nun and monk who wants to get rid of their soul to reach Nirvana. The monks and nuns are satisfied and Diablo feels like a happy little devil. Still in the spot where Buddha was killed is a small statue of a fat monk.

What Buddha does today, you will only know if you enter Nirvana and ask him.

A computer game made up by the one always watching in the back.


End file.
